unsent love letters
This is some stuff I had written with the intention
of giving it to you when I see you. Guess that's not going to happen.
Anyway, this is what was on my mind.
August 30th
I'm fixing to go to sleep now, but I really miss
you. I hope you are feeling better than before. You sounded terrible on
the phone earlier today.
Wish you were here beside me; everything seems
better then. There's nothing I've ever felt like waking up in the night
and feeling you there. It was like being home, but not to /my/ home.
Like finally arriving at a dream-destination. I miss that. I miss
you, damn it. I
seem empty now. Oh well, I'm tired and rambling so I'll put this down
until tomorrow.
love you.
August 31st
Kind of a hard day at work(s) today. Literally the
only time I see daylight is during the commute from one job to the
other... I feel useless and spent.
Tonight I sat on the porch with a glass of Glenlivet
and smoked an Ashton Maduro that D- gave to me. It was excellent but you
weren't there. I wanted you there beside me in those rediculous plastic
lawn chairs. A riduculous lawn chair seems different when you are in
it. Or maybe I just cut it more slack. I dunno.
Eating some stuff I made out of leftover chicken,
rice and Campbell's cream of chicken soup. It wasn't too bad.
Well, I'm going to sleep now. Wish you were here.
I miss you. Did you like the toothbrush I got you? I know it can be
kind of a personal decision, and I liked the morning-after intimacy of
your using mine, but I think it made you uncomfortable.
September 5th
Going to sleep again and I wish you were here - and
I'm wondering if you'll ever tire of hearing that... or if you already
have. There is a glass of whiskey by my bed but I'm not drinking it.
Kinda sad tonight, a warm heavy sadness like a wool
blanket. It itches me but I don't kick it off. A seductive melancholy,
I suppose. I think I'm too willing to fall into it.
It's one of those evenings where I know it won't be
easy to get up in the morning. ----- I miss the feeling of you beside
me, the way you move over to me in your sleep. I wonder if you even know
it is me who is there. What if in your dream-waking you think I someone
else?
I look at you sometimes when I wake up. I kiss you
and you move a little, shift in your sleep, but I can't tell if you know
I was kissing you or not. I watch you until my eyes blur and shut.
Good night
September 8th
I didn't get to see you on the weekend, or the
Monday following, or that Tuesday following that. I know you don't feel
well. I got home after a shitty day, and whined about it to D-. "But,"
I said, "At least I get to see T- tonight. D- said "Ummm, I've got some
bad news for you." You weren't coming but you were going to call the
next day (Thursday? Wednesday? Thursday, I think). I hope you're wearing
that burgundy cardigan you stole from me.
Looks like it's over. I'm sad, but not bitter. I
mean, the happiness you gave me makes this hurt seem like a fair enough
trade. And I guess it's against the rules to be happy forever. I
thought I just might... I thought you might be the one I could
straighten my life out for, straighten myself out with...
September 14th
It's a week later, and I'm still thinking of you.
Wish I wasn't. Was cleaning my room (the maid finally came!) and found
your driver's license behind my bed. I'm going to mail it to you at the
address on the license. Maybe you have your mail forwarded, and maybe
you don't. It's really not my problem either way.
I'm going to mail this soon, but I'll be surprised
if it gets to you and even more surprised if you read it. I haven't yet
decided if I should put my return address on it. That way you won't
throw it away without opening it. Also, it won't come back from the Post
Office to haunt me if your mail doesn't follow you. I'm putting my
feelings about this (and about you) into a little bundle and sending
them, too. I won't have them any more.
I hope you let someone in before it's too late, and
I wish it could have been me. Take care of yourself.
J-
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