Students in my classes ask me "how did you learn all this computer stuff"?
I answer that I've made more mistakes with them than many people.
I mean it seriously, though people often laugh.
Same with life in general. I've made many mistakes, and learned about
myself from them. I will share what I have done and what I have learned;
I cannot and should not tell you what to do or what to learn. Each must
follow his/her own path.
Personal
My biggest barrier to effective personal change was not
being completely willing to change. I thought I was
flexible and willing to change, but I was holding on tightly to
some severely destructive/alienating behaviors. Every behavior
has a payoff somewhere, somehow. Sometime their they're obvious
or pleasant payoffs...
Now before I embark on new growth or change I check with
my self to see how "congruent" my will is. It sounds like
this: "Would it be perfectly ok with me (every part of
me: head, heart, gut, crotch) if I were to achieve my desired
outcome??1 An amazing percentage of the time
there is some part somewhere in me that's unwilling to
release the old behavior or situation... I Find this part and
turn it over and over until I understand it. I ask it what it
has to tell me, what its purpose or function is. I love it and
accept it as it is.
Sometimes running this process makes the objection disappear.
Sometimes I realize the change may have been unhealthy for me.
Sometimes I just need a bit more time to get all my ducks in
a row. Patience.
Speaking of change, it came as quite a shock to me
to realize the only person I can control/change is me...
Still speaking of change, "Things get worse just before they get better".
Kinda. What I mean is that when I change an old pattern there is
an odd, unsteady transitional period where I (and others) get used to
the new dynamic. The old game and its roles are neutralized and the
new situation needs a bit to reach equilibrium again. It's more like "weirder" rather than "worse".
Interpersonal
I was shocked to learn that competence is insufficient
to get by in the world. The lion's share of success, in my
experience, is made up of people skills. I'd always that if you
were the best trained, most skillful and experienced that you'd
get the cookies. Not necessarily so. Social skills are not
natural to me, but I'm working on it.
My people skills have improved markedly since I became
conscious of my tone of voice. My content (what I said) has
always been fairly neutral and rational, but my tone had been
quite offensive in the past. Sarcasm, mainly. I've learned that
I can talk about even the most sensitive topics with anyone if
it is is done with a neutral tone (ie, even inflection). The way
to achieve neutral tone is to achieve neutral intention.
This means I have to believe what I'm saying, completely. So I
center myself and focus on what I want for an outcome. This works
because the other person will be able to sense your compassion or
aggression from your verbal and non-verbal cues.
People get
defensive when they perceive an attack. The problem is that we
frequently project "attack" when we don't mean to, or even when
we're unaware of our latent attack. So now I consciously speak
neutrally (most of the time!) and my life is a better place to be.
This approach minimizes drama, which is a nice outcome for me.
example:
try this: "What kind of factors did you
consider when picking out this color for your room?" what the
other person hears: "I can tell you have made a careful decision.
I am interested in hearing how you did it."
avoid this: "Why did you pick this color for
your room?" what the other person hears: "This is a bad color.
Justify your decision." The word "why" will frequently make the other person
defensive, regardless of your intent.
I became aware of the power of the phrase "I was just/only..." to infuriate people. It's especially effective when "trying" is tacked on.
I eliminated the words "why" , "but", "just", and "try" from my vocabulary.
What's important here is how we rely on these words, not the words themselves. They're
just fine. Went I pulled these from my everyday speech it revealed some hidden agendas
I had and didn't even know. How strange! Now that I got those little weirdnesses out
into the open I use the words now, sparingly. Give it a shot.
I learned to say "No". It took several months of work
with my mentor to learn how to say no. The breakthrough came
when we were having dinner somewhere and he said "next time
the waiter asks you if you want more tea, just say 'no'". Wow.
I said "no" neutrally, coolly, and the waiter didn't hate me!
This may look weird to others, but I really believed that if I
said "no" then people wouldn't like me.
Looking
back, I see now that this first
conscious "no" was my first real experience setting
appropriate boundaries. And, in my experience, people are more
comfortable when they understand your boundaries.
I learned how to shut up.
I guess I thought that if I were not carrying the conversation
than the whole thing would fall apart. Not so. I have found that
silence when I felt pressured worked wonders. First, it gave me
a chance to cool down and center. Kept me from saying whatever
emotional, drama-inspiring blurb wanted to come out of my mouth.
And another strange thing happens; others will usually give up
information in order to fill the silence. And since I'm silent,
I can concentrate on what they're saying.
In my business life, I have found that and incredibly powerful
process is this:
Ask a question and then shut up.1 Several things happen: You don't talk
and the other person realizes this. S/he will behave differently.
You actually hear what s/he's saying. And you pick up a ton of
non-verbal information because you're motor is idling...
I learned to always get the name of the person I contacted.
This little tidbit is invaluable in getting results.
I learned to spend time with people I respect and want
to emulate, and limit exposure to those whom I do not admire.1
I learned to ask for what I want, not what I don't want.
ie "Stay on the sidewalk" rather than "Don't go in the
street". The difference in your perceptions and their behavior
is astounding.1
I allow myself and others time to integrate new
ideas, understandings, and information.1
"The wise ox-driver knows how much of a load his oxen can carry."
Time management
Pushing things when they don't want to go is not so
good. Some things need to happen in their own order, in their
own time, in their own way.2 Have
patience and trust the process.1 For
example, to shift without using the clutch you've got to know
where the car wants to be shifted. Give the car what it needs
and it will give you what you need.5
It's also like getting a stuck bag of chips out of the machine.
Watch somebody next time that happens. Notice how they struggle
with the machine, they fight it, they hate it. Now step up and
offer assistance: get up next to the machine and lean on it. Feel
if it is a little off-balance. Set up a little, gentle rocking
motion and you will feel how the machine wants to be moved...
The chips will start to wiggle and shift... a little more... a
little more... then PLOP. You've got them. :) The smart
primate gets the food. It's a much more [elegant | quiet |
non-violent | rewarding] technique.3
Try out time management systems until you find a good fit.
Those hideous dayrunner things
used to make my flesh crawl, but they actually keep you from stepping
on your... ahhh... from stepping on other appointments.
When setting something down (and especially when emptying out
your pockets) ask yourself "when will I need this next?" Put it down
in a location and condition that will make it ready for its next use.
When leaving a restaurant or some other public place, ask
yourself "Do I have everything I came with?" Glance under the table
and in each chair to make sure you're not forgetting anything.4
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