One Minute Journal

NovaDreamer: 5 cues, no recall.

Jan 6th, 1997

Put the tarot link up and wrote about fetishes of the material kind. It's strange; I'm toally non-materialisitic, but some physical objects enchant me, lure me in.

Penny is back in town tomorrow; wonder what that will be like. I'll likely be the one picking her up tomorrow from DFW. It will be good to see her again. We've got an easy friendship, a natural casualness or something.

Novadreamer: 9 cues, 1 remembered awake. I woke up and immediately checked mode 9 to see the number of cues from last night. First time there was one small chirp, dead sounding. Next time no response at all. Damn batteries are dead. Then I really woke up and checked and found the nine cues. Dammit! How did I miss that obvious cue, the malfunctioning switch???!!! :)

Feb 9, 1997

Now that I have moved this site to my workstation server, I should have much better access to it. I will begin again tomorrow. Tonite, both Penny and I feel migraines coming on. Not fun.

Feb 10, 1997

Slept fitfully for some reason last nite, though I can't remember what I dreamed. :(

I'm in dire need of a trim. My neck looks like a werewolf.

Feb 14th

I was out somewhere (a party? a restaurant?) and met a passably attractive type. Not really my type, but good enough.
We ended up somewhere and started getting naked, and either the scene itself was shifting or the woman was shifting, I couldn't tell. Seemed like a psychedelic episode.
We started some half-hearted foreplay; my heart wasn't really in it. I was detached, observational. I think think the weirdness was having an effect on me.
When we actually started having sex I realized that it was, indeed, the woman who was changing and not the scene. At this point I realized I was dreaming, and that the creature was really a space alien of some kind. I tried to figure out if I was projecting the entire appearance of the alien, or if it was really shape-shifting to look like a human female.

Feb 17, 1997

Dad came in over the weekend and had bfast at denny's with Penny and I. It's always good to see him.

For about a month I had cranked up the ND to a 3-6 intensity, which was waking me up and I'd take off the ND in the night. I backed it down again to 2, which seems better.

Here's an excerpt from mail I sent to Becky, a wonderful friend of mine. We were close in 8th grade, when she and I and a class of outcasts started the Carrollton-Farmers Branch ISD Talented & Gifted program. What a bunch of loonies. The teachers, too.

At any rate, the topic of discussion is Desi, a girl in that same class that I had a desperate crush on. She's been on local TV commercials, Showtime, etc.

From mouse@cyberline.net Mon Feb 17 14:17:52 1997
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 14:15:28 -0600 (CST)
From: jason carr 
Subject: Becky (was: desi d____)

> My brother still lives in Texas (Austin) and he has seen her on many
> commercials.  It's weird, isn't it.  

Yup.

(going introspective momentarily)

It's especially weird for me, as some of my definition of what a 
woman [is | looks like | should be] is based on my memories of her.

Not to say that she is or was a goddess, but that those first aware-
nesses, stirrings, enlightmenments of boy-girl attraction have, by
virtue of their position of the head of the chronological line, been
formative.

It's subtle, but it's there.  I wonder if everybody works that way;  I 
mean, I can prolly go through every criteria I have for a partner 
(eg, http://mouse.cyberline.net/~mouse/single.html) and point the 
reader to where that preference came from. (jeez, I'm having a 
bad syntax day)

Part of the weirdness now is seeing someone again who was so formative
/then/.  I mean, I see Desi and I feel the memory of attraction, but 
not attraction now _per se_.  Strange.  I mean, I remember being a 
total geekazoid about it then, a freakophulus, and my reaction to 
her now is neutral.

That's been happening a lot this year.  I'm running into old schoolmates
I had crushes on (or whatever) and now the tables are turned (for me,
anyway).  I'm calm, and casual, and at ease.  Not like the old me who
used to eat percodan and wild turkey to be able to cope with high
school.  God, I was a wreck.

And they said life is tough on the "disadvantaged" kiddos.  I wonder
if the alienation smart kids feel is a function of their intellect,
or the other way 'round...

I've been ignoring the dream journal lately, so I can remember only the beginning of my LD last night; I was having normal dreams when I realized I was being cued. I began to yell "Go Lucid! Stay in the dream! Go lucid!"
I think the emotionalism of my reaction and my lack of A.M. journaling caused me to either ruin the LD or to forget the rest. :(

March 15th, 1997

I'm sitting on a couch or bed with Penny. The TV is on and things seem a little weird. I get the feeling I should do a reality check. I look at my analog watch and either it was stopped or the hands were running backwards. I stood up and decided to test my lucidity. I walked through walls much like the no clipping mode of Doom. THe visuals were overlaid adn a little hard to figure out. Every once in a while I would loop back into a pseudo-non-LD state with virtual sleep paralysis and have to re-awaken myself.

Mar 27

I was walking through an old house that seemed to be connected to the wing of a mall. I went upstairs to an estate sale. On the way up I heard a familar voice behind me say "You certainly do look poor, don't you?". I turned around and it was Ed McMahon whowas studying me. I looked at myself and saw I was a bit ragged and dusty but otherwise normal.

Ed pulled a $10 bill from his pocket and half-gave it to me. It fell between the cushions of a sofa that was sitting there. I did not need the money, but took it any way, puzzled.

April 5th

We were trying to get the dog[s] up when I noticed the collars were rotated strangely. The ex- encouraged me to rotate the dogs around their long axis until the collar was untwisted. Bingo. Loose dogs. But the Dane still isn't breathing. The ex- tried mouth-to-mouth, but the dane's face is so big we couldn't stop the air escaping around our fingers. :( Massaged and poked and wiggled him for about 2 mins and lost all hope. Then he started breathing again. I'll be damned. When I went back Sunday night he was running around barking.

April 6th

[Note:  append the word "sir" to most every statement I make below.  I'm 
not stupid, ya know.]

Cop1:	Where's your bong?  
Me:	WHAT?	
Cop1:	Show me your bong.  I saw you with a bong.
Me:	I don't smoke, and I don't own a bong.
Cop1:	Step out of the car.
Me:	WHAT?
Cop1:	Step out of the car.  Step out of the car.
Me:	Ok.

[Cop2 is still silent, standing farther back.  Cop1 continues to 
prattle on about bongs, etc.  He doesn't have a flashlight, so he's
fumbling around in the dark in the bug.]

[minutes pass.  This is getting tiresome.]

Cop1:	Now I see why you're nervous.  [holds up 9mm in a matte-black
	pancake holster.]

Me:	I am calm.  And be careful with that.  There are  10 Cor-Bons 
	in the magazine.  I was traveling back from E. Texas, dropping
	off my daughter after a custodial weekend.
	
Cop1:	[fumbling with the holster release, then fumbling with the
	action, then fumbling with the magazine release.  He finally
	releases the magazine and fails to check the chamber.  Loser.]
	What is this?  Some kinda cheapie {mumble mumble}.

Cop2 and Me: [simultaneously] It's a Beretta 92fs.

Cop1:	What?

Cop2 and Me: [simultaneously] Beretta 92fs.  

Cop2:	I gotta say you have excellent taste in sidearms.

Me:	Thanks.  I appreciate that.

Cop1:	Loaded with Cor-Bons, huh?  

Me:	Yeah.  The other magazine (at home) holds Glaser Siltertips
	to minimize overpenetration in an apartment setting.

Cop1:	{to Cop2} Go up and get a flashlight from the door.

Me:	You can turn on the domelight.  [show him how to do it]

[cop1 searches in vain for a machine gun or bong.  Finds only a 
squeeze bottle of spring water.   :)]

Cop1:	Do you want to go to jail tonite?

Me:	No.

Cop1:	Do you know the penalties {yadda yadda yadda}

Me:	{I recite the penalties for weapons in this situation,
	and restate my situation of traveling back from E. Texas}

Cop1:	Have you ever fired Cor-Bons?

Me:	No.  I practice fire with practice ammo.  Less expensive.

Cop1:	You need to fire some Cor-Bons.  They're much more powerful...

Me:	[interrupting, shrugging] They're just +P, right? I've fired
	enough +Ps to get the feel.  They're a little hard on the 
	slide, though, so I don't like to do it too often.

Cop1:	Yeah, but they're powerful...

Me:	[realizing this guy is really, really lost]   Right.  I'll
	do that.

Cop1:	[puts magazine back in pistol, then removes it again]
	[points to rear bonnet of bug]  
	Let's put this thing in the trunk.

Cop2:	The trunk's in front.  The engine's in back.

Me:	[speaking to Cop2, as Cop1 is clueless.]
	I'll have to release the trunk from inside the glovebox.
	I want to make sure... we're all cool.  I want to make sure...
	everybody's relaxed...

Cop2:	That's cool.  Go ahead.

[Friend Scott walks up at this point while Cop1 puts 9mm in bonnet.]

[cops tell me how lucky I am, that I should leave.  They walk off,
then turn around]

Cop1:	If you see us in trouble, you better jump in and help!

Me:	Will do, sir!

April 8th

April 13th

May 25th

May 29th

Got a Crossman BB gun at walmart for $7.50 in the clearance rack. It's a pump pistol replica of a Beretta 92. Dad, Mary, and I have been shooting it at the people on the TV Guide.

Nailed the tv antenna to the wall.

June 1st

Came in today and the apt maintenance guys had been in fixing a leaky faucet. I wonder if they'll thell the manager I a nutcase or something.

June 11th

Mary is lying down on the couch reading her lit book; I wish I were done with this 'net work tonite so I could spend more time with her. I am alternately surprised and not surprised she loves me. I have been waiting for her... I am beginning to feel this existence is not a total loss.

June 30th

Aug 19th

The old deviants@warwick.uk.whatever list is being shut down, so I started deviants@mousetrap.net to take up the slack and teach myself majordomo. It went so well I set up the commercial listserver on workhorse.cyberline.net.

RA wanted to dump an old 286 so I took it, formatted it and unixed it with Minix. cc actually runs on the little bugger. Ya gotta love it.

And I heard from the Desi above. Her BIL was doing a text search and found her here... I have munged her last name to protect her privacy. I overlooked that in the beginning. Sorry about my lack of foresight, Desi. Return to my homepage.