she: I'm cold.
me: Here's my jacket. [it's a roadracing jacket with dual-density armor built into it. ABout 10 minutes pass.].
she: This jacket is warm but it's kinda... restrictive.
me: It's the armor.
she: I can't really move.
me: All armor is restrictive. It's the nature of the beast.
I wanted to explain to her that was the experience of being male, of being white, of being young and feeling indestructible. It seemed to me that she was getting a flavor, if just for a bit, of what it is to be a man. With the power, with the strength, comes restriction, control, frustration, restraint from inside and out. '
I didn't tell her these things. The bar was loud and we were half-drunk, and I wanted her enough that I didn't want to chance saying something that weird.
I took the iron-on home last week and applied it to a heavy t-shirt. Looks great! Thanks, thomas!
Not just that, but the quality of my work has gone up. In my experience, the single greatest liberator has been the ability and willingness to say "no" and stick to it. Before, I would either give in or wait till I got pissed off enough to scream "no f(*&ing way!". Now I say "no" where appropriate, gently, firmly.
If this seems impossible, try it out on a small scale. When the counter help at McDonald's asks you if you want to Quadra-size your happy meal, say "no" if you don't want the upgrade. It's so much more liberating than "I don't think so, not today". And you can still say "yes" when you want. The object here is to have more choices rather than fewer. And if you could not say "no" before then where were your choices?
On the small pleasures side, I got a lot done yesterday (Saturday). I ran a couple of miles, mountain biked to Hell (ie Wal-Mart) to get a rice cooker, and cleaned my apartment thoroughly. Seems like my environment echoes my inner state.
I have been agonizing over the rice cooker thing for a few months. It wouldn't be an issue except that I'm handy in the kitchen and philosophically against the use of gadgetry. Shouldn't I be able to make decent rice in a saucepan? Theoretically, yes. But it just never worked out that way. I suck at making rice. So I bought a Black and Decker Handy Steamer/Rice Cooker and fired it up last night. Worked well. Still, I'm a little miffed at not being able to cook it correctly myself. :(
In the "Still More Little Pleasures Dept.", I had a long and excellent conversation with an interesting woman last night. It was verrah nice...
Did the KOAI thing today and it went well. RA and seem to be good at it; I think our partnership projects well. I still think we do better on radio than TV for some reason. I went outside to throw some old bread out for the ducks. It was strange; when the walk they're so clumsy and comical. When they flew out to the bread they were beautiful and even a bit scary looking. You don't realize how big they are till they're all spread out, flying at you. I've had that ducks-flying-at-you sensation a couple of times in the last few days. Normal things that seemed dangerous, or something. Maybe my reaction to them is dangerous. Maybe the situation is dangerous. Maybe it seems [dangerous | weird] to me because it was normal and I'm not used to that. Sometimes things are surreal, and you don't know what's dangerous and what's safe. What if there were danger in attaining safety? What if you had to bet everything to find that safety, that serenity you seek? god, to be a cow or something and just eat grass contentedly... This is the strangest of nights. It is dark in [my | our] apartment and I'm typing by the monitor glow wondering what else and who else is out there... Is that why I leave the door open tonite? I have a fetishically gorgeous rocks glass on my printer and the monitor light plays off it. I feel like exhaling a huge sigh and slipping into a warm, comfortable coma. I think that means it's time for a vacation.
I drove last night past the house where I was born. 919 Wayside Way. I have to wonder if everything doesn't revolve around that house. I felt slightly sick to my stomach, and had goosebumps the other night when Michelle and I were looking at it. And so to work. I think I've got the domain stuff figured out, I just need to implement it. So many obligtions and so little time. I need a month of downtime just to get caught up, it feels. My sked is now out to the 3rd in 30 minute increments. At least I rarely sked anything into lunch. I met with my friend Bob last night. He's going down to Houston for an extended security gig. We sat outside the Barley, next to RockNJava or whatever, and had some decent-but-overpriced cigars (Don Diego, about $7.50 each) and a coupla beers. I ranted and raved about pretty much everything. The nature of danger, the nature of relationships, of male-female interaction. He commisserated and, as usual, came up with some fresh viewpoints. Thanks, Bob, for listening.
I've been thinking about trips and vacations lately. I feel the need for warm, forgiving sand and the healing of sun on my skin. And no Lobster Boy coloration this time. I'll drink 200 gallons of water with a bit of lime wedge in each glass, to flush out the poisons. Better to have them on the outside than the inside. It's about time I learned that. I've been thinking about doing some fiction as an ongoing work online. I wonder if that's do-able. I've come a long way in my ability to release my work to the Real World. Maybe a short story set in email. Hmmmm.... I had that idea about four years ago when I started doing Fido mail.
Talked to lorens today; he had a really rough day yesterday but sounded remarkably calm about it all. Stac[e]y/Brian called; they're going to California soon. More sadeness. I feel really connected to them, and even though we haven't spend much time together lately I will miss them. Sigh. Moody and irritable, like I need something I can't or won't identify.
I've got a headache, so I ate some tylenol and xanax. I hope it helps. I washed it down with old coffee. Working the weekend was great for my schedule and hard on me personally.
Had a glorious La Unica #100 and a good talk with Loren. I'm glad he's back in town.
Got the NovaDreamer in Friday. I used it last night, and it functions well. I think I will nap a little later and see if I can't go lucid. NovaDreamer: 5 cues, 1 remembered, mode 2.
Nov 19th, 1996
Weirdness. Nov 20th, 1996
The phone rang at 6:30 this morning. By the time I got to the phone my heart was pounding so hard I could hardly hear the voice in the earpiece.
ick. This nervous wreck stuff has got to go. Nov 21st, 1996
Here I am again in the monitor glow, typing with just-dried fingers in the morning. Phyllis says "no computer writing allowed" but I will try this path anyway. I think there is value here.
I've been thinking again about the nature of quality and desire. It's been tumbling in my mind, as with a rock tumbler. Gives the ideas time to integrate.
One of the most important things I've learned in the past year is to give myself and others time to integrate new information and understanding. Sometimes it just takes time. The planets, "and here I paraphrase myself", will come into alignment. Reminds me of zen management techniques. Later that night
You know you spend a lot of time on these machines when you look at all your loads of laundry in the washeteria and think "massively parallel" laundering.
Nov 22nd, 1996
One strange day, like a droning Jane's Addiction solo in your head. Addictive and ugly at the same time. I'm pretty crispy around the edges. Looks like I'll be here all weekend, but that's ok. Breakfast with Bueno should make up for it. The trip to Alabama (there and back in 22 hours) was draining and invigorating. Ya never know someone until you drive across the planet with them. If you're lucky, you'll get to do that driving with someone like Bueno.Nov 23rd, 1996
Had a great breakfast withe the Bueno clan and went on in to work. Although I put in about 6 hrs I felt crispy and unfocused. :( I still feel poisoned, like I need a 3-hr shower to get it all out of my system...
And I guess that means the tasty little cousin morsel won't be in Dallas anytime soon. ;)Nov 24th, 1996
It's cold in the office today. The office space is not tightly climate controlled in non-business hours. That's ok, but My hands and fingers get stiff and hurt when they get cold.
Nov 25th, 1996
I'm a little pissy because of a typo in our seminars.pl file, which was giving out errant information. I know it's minor, but I hate hosing up in a broadcast medium.Dec 1st, 1996
Spent most of the day working on the project-at-hand, and finishing up the book on lucid dreaming. Since both LaBerge and McPhee pound it into your head to keep a dream journal, I'll likely do it here. Dec 2d, 1996
Non-lucid Dream.
1st scene. Dad and I are fixing some old car of mine that's sitting in the driveway (jeep cj?) I find a part of my old seiko watch in the floorboard and play semantic games with a passer-by. A girl in a large mid-80s american car looks like she's going to see our driveway to turn around, but no.
2d scene. Wayne and I doing something in my Gmother's house on Kneipp in Carrollton. He looks ecstatic, out there. Turns out he's listening to a shortwave radio he's just bought. I've got one too, somewhere.
3rd scene. Walkdancing down the street. The city feels like New Orleans but it's cleaner, more upscale. I want some of the women at the sidewalk cafes and some of them want me. I go into one of the doorways and it appears to be a gym; people working out. I go up a semi-hidden stairwell and I'm in a windowed balcony area where you can look down on the others. There's a stripper in one long corridor, oblivious to me, uncaring. I have to be careful not to brush her as I pass, as I've just noticed a bouncer behind me. Another girl comes up to the first and starts to chitchat. I figure it's a shift change, but they get naked and go into what I suppose is their act. Was this for me? For themselves? For the people downstairs? Could the people downstairs even see us? I go downstairs and now the gym-people are sitting around like they're Rodin statues. One of the black guys is so cut his back looks like armor, or a turtle shell. I am trying to figure out how/why someone would do that when he turns around and calls my name. It's a friend or client or something, and he wants to talk about something I can barely remember. We talk for a while, a little too loud, while I play along and try to figure out what he's talking about. The security guard comes up and whispers that "you and Chinese guy can leave now". I was surprised at being kicked out, and that the black fellow was really Chinese, but I went outside anyway. E.O.D.December 6
First nite with the NovaDreamer. 14 visual cues, I remember 1, and it was a user-defined mode.
December 7th
The last few days have been a blur. Work, mostly. Pajama Pants was back in town briefly. My humidor was way high... I popped the lid to let it settle back down. Dammit. I hope I didn't torch the Puros Indios and Stuff that was in there.December 8th
NovaDreamer: 6 cues, 1 remembered, mode 1.
December 9th
NovaDreamer: 7 cues, 1 remembered, mode 1.
December 10th
Michelle was sick so I didn't try for lucidty tonite.
December 11th
NovaDreamer: 6 cues, 1 remembered, mode 3. The Medium Sleeper (mode 3) was really intense. When it went of with me awake it was a little startling.
December 16th
Wayne, Sunny, and Grandma came over tonite, for some visiting and some Cabernet Sav. I don't remember the kind, but I'll add that bit in later. Lucid dream, at unknown time: no cueing used at all.
The non-functioning lightswitch cue is an important personal milestone; my worst childhood nightmare involved a non-functioning lightswitch. Now I associate that with lucidty and control rather than powerlessness and terror. I look forward to more lucid episodes, and I intend to do some serious high-altitude flying and jumping in the near future. :)
I heard a sound under the bed, like the sound GET made under the bed last week when he escaped from his cage. I woke up and saw two baby rats sleeping on my bedside milk crate. I touched them and could feel they were warm. When I went to turn on the reading light attached to the milk crate the light did not go on. I cycled the switch a couple of times, and started to get scared. At this point I realized I was dreaming. I revelled in the lucidity a while, then paid attention to the dream again. Now the floor was covered with rats. I decided "there are too many rats in this dream; there ought to be fewer." And they thinned out and the dream was nicer. I tried more direct guidance, but that was ineffective. Only an oblique aproach worked then. EOD. December 18th
NovaDreamer: 2 cues, 0 remembered, mode 1. I took it off at 2:30am because Michelle was sleeping too lightly.
December 20th
NovaDreamer: 9 cues, 1 rememberd (woke up), mode 1.
December 21st
NovaDreamer: 11 cues, 2 cues seen in dream.I was on a bus tour with Michelle, and we had to stand in line whereever we went. One of these places was a large German technical building which held a technical school and a theater. We were standing in line to see a play when I started seeing ambulance flashing lights. I covered my eyes with my hands because of the pain, and it didn't help. I realized the lights must be coming from inside my head, so I was hallucinating and therefore insance. A few minutes later I realized I was just wearing my NovaDreamer in line and that it had been cueing me. I talked to Michelle about this a little, before I realized that if I was being cued, I might be in a dream.
I did a reality test and spun, and, boom, I was lucid. That scene started to fade and I spun.
Driving around with someone (Danny from the Army?) in Michelle's car. We drive it off the road into a muddy hillside where Danny is perilously close to getting us lost and stuck. I decide that we should get back on the road and take over the wheel. Fade and spin.
In a living room (Mamo's in Carrollton?) I'm in a conversation with several people in the room. At some point I become aware that I'm laying on top of someone, perhaps Danny's wife. After another while, I realize that she and I are discreetly having sex under a light blanket while we carry on this conversation. :) We re-arrange a bit for comfort and she gets cranky and wants to stop. Fade and spin.
In our old house on Pat lane, and there are several people trying to kill me. I cut one's head off with two (v-like) cuts with a vegetable cleaver. This attracts the attention of the others, who start to chase me again. I go outside through a window screen to escape. When the others come out through the garage, I decided to fly into the air to get away. I shot up like a rocket, feeling the g-forces. I wondered how high I'd be able to fly, but I blacked out. When I came to, I was bleeding a little, laying in the middle of a city street. EoD.
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